I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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