there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
