Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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