We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
