she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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