You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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