my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
