Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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