It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
