New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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