two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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