So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just want to make out with him forever
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
