I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
