I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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