you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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