No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
