1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
