She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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