guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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