Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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