I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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