so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
