Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
