guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
dude. I can hear the air.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
