the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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