Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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