Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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