I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
