Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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