My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
