I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.