chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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