You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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