I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
