I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
a search helicopter?!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
