it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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