he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
