Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
