You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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