it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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