we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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