I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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