I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
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Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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