This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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