so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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