So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
In America we eat man semen.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
