Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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