gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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