Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
