Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
