No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
