Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
