yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
