I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
