I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
