At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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