last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
