i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
