um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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