Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
